Beneath the Undertow By ...

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Beneath the Undertow By aftrnoondlight
Beneath the Undertow
Chapter One
"Edward…" A familiar voice boomed through the heavy beats of The Bravery.
"Edward…" An ear bud fell suddenly behind my shoulder, I slowly opened tired
eyes.
"Sorry, Harry." I righted, squinting into a blazing July sun.
"Edward, Mr. Jenks is in from Portland. He's meeting with a few of the guys later
on. Come upstairs after your shift." Harry Clearwater's usual warm eyes were
cool, darting and avoiding.
"Harry… what's…" Turning his back, a trembling hand ran over a balding head as
he hurried towards the main building. Fuck. Thumbing over my simple sandwich
on rye, I counted months and a year to date my next evaluation. Nothing
matched, nothing. I quickly surmised meeting with Mr. Jenks wouldn't result in a
raise, a bonus or promised promotion. I swallowed a swig of generic cola and my
waning pride. Smoothing over my Thursday message from Bella scribbled in
green, reality loomed. I used the silent love note to wipe the fear beading across
my forehead.
Steadying with a deep inhale then out, I tossed my brown paper sack and sweet
words in the trash. Passing by cliques of all ages, knuckles broken and bare,
taking their thirty minutes of respite, Billy shouted across the dry, blazing
courtyard. "Cullen, pull up a chair, man. You alright?"
"Hey, Billy." I matched a tight hand grip with an old friend, a mentor on the field,
and unlikely peer. "You know anything about Jenks being in town from Portland
today?"
"No…" He paused, masking a sigh with a smile as he realized. "Probably just
throwing some weight around. I'll walk you in." He rested a strong, sturdy palm
on my shoulder. I reactively squared and flexed, grasping the last of my dignity.
"You wanna go an extra hour on Sunday? I've got time. Your slider was looking
solid yesterday. You should hit the cage after work though, we're closing in on
the day." Billy coached, holding the door.
"Okay," I agreed quietly with a sudden shiver of frigid artificial air. My fate
forever owned by another, patience was a struggle. Pulling worn gloves from my
rear denim pocket, I took the stairs down. Slower by the step, I unrolled and
buttoned the cuffs of my flame resistant chambray. The menacing roar of
operation barreled through me. Blowing a deep exhale, I reached, lifted and
rolled punishing weight and texture over my shoulders, forearms, then hands.
Powering levers, shifting, guiding thick timber while I measured the possibilities.
My mind drowned in visions… Bella twirling barefoot in a brand new dress,
nothing beneath… a perfect, smooth sea blue, clinging to curves… bare sun-
kissed shoulders… creamy flesh peppered with freckles begging me to count and
kiss. A surprise, wrapped in a paper and a ribbon… her smile beautiful, her dark
eyes wide and grateful. A piercing alarm shattered my reverie, reminding to
reload, turn and labor. Fisting my leather sheathed hands; I glanced at the
ticking time high on the wall. Once, the black numbers and dial counted down
moments to hold my wife. Making love at dusk, caressing her growing belly, and
eating frozen dinners and fruit in bed. But the passing hours were punishing,
other possibilities forced forward. Another loss… another letdown, another dream
done and gone, but it would be Bella's to lose not mine.
I twisted the marred, flat white gold band anxiously. Sitting, shifting, rolling my
neck in a black vinyl sofa, I waited. A quarter past four came and went. Clearing
my throat at the turn of a knob, I stood finally, running a weary hand over
stubble I wish I'd shaved.
"Edward Cullen. Well hell…" Mr. Jenks, the younger not the older, strutted within
a tight handshake.
"Garrett… I thought your dad was…"
"Come in, Edward." A sweeping gesture welcomed me into his large temporary
office. I fell into the small, simple chair in the corner of the drab space. "Shit,
how long's it been, man?" Garrett smirked, loosening his grey silk tie.
"Oh…" I shrugged, watching him casually perch on the corner of the cheap
laminate desk. "Maybe a year or so." Focusing on the framed forestry posters and
safety slogans beyond his full head, I sought to steady.
"Yeah, yeah… okay, that's right. The Jenks Timber summer picnic… with Bella."
His smirk led him, treading dangerously. "How is… Bella?"
"She's good." I blurted, suddenly yanking my gloves from my back pocket,
slapping them against my denim thigh in warning. "Starting nursing school this
fall." So don't fuck with my job cocky prick.
He straightened and scoffed. "Huh. Good for her. She deserves…" He paused,
moving slowly behind the desk. "She deserves everything."
I launched. Gripping the edge of the desk, white knuckled ready, I clenched.
"Garrett, cut to the chase. And leave my wife out of it." He staggered with wide
eyes.
"Cut to the chase? Cut… Cutter… Ole Cutter Cullen… How's that working out for
you now?" He taunted, envy saturating his sound.
"What the fuck do you want? What's the point with this shit, Garrett?"
"The point? You want the point?" He slid into the burgundy chair. Breathing deep,
he delivered his final act. "We're restructuring. Starting an apprentice program
with the local college. Your job… your level will be…" I interrupted with a palm in
the air.
"Was this apprentice program your idea?" Angling my stare, I pushed.
"It's smart, Edward. A progressive plan. I'm… sorry." He rested his forearms,
folded his hands, finished.
"Sorry? That's it? I'm done? You can't move me into another area? Another
group?" I loathed the desperation.
"What else can you do? I mean really, Edward." My knees buckled, he tortured.
"If you'd just headed to UW with that sweet scholarship…" He narrowed his eyes,
curling his thin mouth, patronizing.
I buried my face briefly, pounding my bottom lip with my fist. "Do I get two
weeks to find something else?" Silence. "Okay."
"Listen, Edward…" Garrett Jenks rushed and stumbled in designer shoes. "I know
you and Bella have had a rough time. But, this… this is business." His large hand
landed against the door, blocking.
"Got it. Now get the fuck out of my way so I can go home and hold my wife."
Locked, hidden, raging with damp eyes, I slammed the blue stall wall. Rolling my
forehead against the cool metal surface, an angry exhale morphed into a shiver.
A tremble buried deep in my gut, a reaction to the nightmare. Thoughts of the
next day and the day after, numbers on paper that wouldn't compute. Fuck.
Bella's tuition, even more fundamental than that… Dark, beautiful eyes, masking
the depth of her own worry and fear. My steel toed boot joined my fist, pounding
and kicking away all the energy left.
"Sure, yeah. Book the suite. Whatever you want, I don't give a shit. We're not
leaving the room all weekend anyway. Do they have one of those big ass tubs
with the jets like that other lodge?" Again, the words and voice seeped like
poison. I waited, composing, until he left with his expensive phone and my
worthless future.
~BtU~
The Meadow was always the most peaceful at dusk; just before the iron scrolled
gates were locked for the night. We had a schedule, a plan that never included
Thursdays, but I was there. The edge of a large white tent flapped through a
midsummer breeze, freshly pitched apparent by the thick rows of pale blooms
and folding chairs.
"Bella, you have to get dressed." I found her naked, curled on our double bed
clutching her pale pink bra to her still swollen stomach.
"No." She stared through the window. Kicking off my old dress shoes, I melted in
behind her, caressing long dark waves from her weary face.
"We have to do this for him," I whispered firmly against her smooth, damp cheek.
She gasped, sobbing. "I know…" Holding tighter as she shook.
"I want him to come back. He needs to come back, Edward. We love him. I'll sing
to him…" She turned in my arms, staring desperately, willing me to make the
pain disappear.
"Shhh…"
"You held him. I didn't hold him… Why didn't I hold him?"
I searched, hoping for the right words. "You couldn't. But he knew you were
there."
"I should've…" She mumbled softly against my white shirt. "I'm sorry." I framed
her face with our joined hands.
"He's gone, baby. We need to let him rest today…" Several quiet moments
passed, we watched new snow fall, gathering outside our small, borrowed house.
She unlaced our fingers and sat slowly. Her delicate straps slid up and over,
holding the lace behind for me to connect.
"Edward…"
"Hmmm…" I dusted, soothing over her shivering back.
"Nothing fits… I… have to wear my… my maternity clothes to… our baby's
funeral."
I steeled, my head respectfully hung low as I paced up the green hill. Assured the
quietest of plots, sweet silence under the massive ancient oak tree. I cleared tiny
twigs, dried leaves and droppings from the rusting vase secured by a linked
chain. Two long trembling fingers and a curled thumb gripped the white smudged
leather and red thread. I pinched, squeezed the old baseball as I leaned closer to
the marble headstone. Dropping it into the narrow mouth of the vase, my fingers
then trailed to the engraving that haunted my dreams.
Riley Anthony Cullen
January 29, 2009
One day, not through… the beginning and the end.
"So this ball, this one's from the Senior State Championships. I think it was the
hottest ever… a record high in Washington. Your mommy was so damn gorgeous
that day." I paused to chuckle, a favorite image of Bella soothing my memory.
"You were just starting to show. Not a lot, but everyone could see. She was so
proud, finally. She had this white dress on… like a sundress, real short. Glowing.
And her hair…" Blowing hard through puckered lips, I stared away, fighting.
"Okay, little man, I know you want the game scoop, don't you…" My monologue
routine, I detailed each and every inning, always peppering with visions of Bella.
He needed those parts too, the best parts.
"I lost my job today, Riley." The reality slid off my tongue easily, I could tell my
baby boy any and all. "Your mom doesn't know yet. Not sure how I'm going to…"
I broke, the grassy earth caught me. I thumbed the small, silver disk of his
initials and day hanging from a dark leather cord around my neck. Somber,
silent, I let truth settle.
~BtU~
"Emmett, what's going on, man?" A fist bump over a wide, mahogany bar was
our typical greeting. A cool bottle budgeted for pay day brought me to an old
friend every other week. The Cliff was crowded for a Monday, pool players and
booths full.
"What're you here on a Thursday for, Edward? You bring that beautiful wife of
yours?" Emmett grinned, twisting a cap off my usual. A white terry towel flung
across his broad shoulder, his eyes sparkled at the mention of Bella. She had that
effect on everyone. Some I knew was sympathy, pity, but mostly it was simply
her.
"Nope, she's home. Been a long day, thought I'd cool off before I head home," I
explained sipping slow.
"You alright, Cullen?" Emmett shouted as a crowd moved through the door.
"Oh yeah. I'm good. Just…"
"Cutter Cullen! What the fuck, man? How the hell are ya?" Seth Young tackled me
from behind. I spun, righting for a masculine embrace. My former teammate
sized me up, as my ego plummeted to the sticky bar floor. "Damn it's good to see
you." Seth grabbed me into another rough wrangle.
"What about you, Young? The big guns, huh? Shit. The Cubbies… The Chicago
fucking Cubs." We laughed, knocking my scabbed elbow to his tight bicep.
"Buy me a drink…" Seth joked, I stiffened.
"Sure… sure." I raised my beer towards Emmett indicating the next and then
some as we fell into a corner booth. "How long you in town for? You're off for the
All-Star break or what?"
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