Bad Habit- Book One by AmeryMarie ...

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Rated M for M ature.
Bad Habit:Book One 
By AmeryMarie
Summary:
Bella has a bad habit. She's been secretly involved, and secretly in love, w/her friends
brother for yrs. Will she ever admit her love or will misunderstandings, interfering friends & betrayal
help her kick the habit? AH/OOC, MATURE
~* ~
Preface
~* ~
biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pai n goes shooti ng l i ke a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...
and you might say it's self-indulgent
you mi ght say i ts sel f -destr ucti ve
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be healthy
-- Bad H abit, The Dresden Dolls
~* ~
I suddenly felt as if I were two parts of the same whole. Like I was outside of my body but at the same time still
inside of myself firmly,
and qui te acti vel y too, I mi ght say
, part of the forbidden moment so that I both watched
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actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't cRQWUROLW«$PHQ%URWKHU$-fucking-men.
"Edwaaaaaaard!"
I thought I heard footsteps coming, but couldn't be sure over the sounds of our assorted gasps, moans, cries, etc.
and the sound of my own beating heart. Not that I could or would be bothered to care or to stop.
Thi s whol e
si t uat i on i s ser i ousl y f ucked up.
The stray thought popped into my head and was conscientiously noted by both
my watching self and my gasping self.
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Surely there was a reckoning coming, there had to be. Excess is always punished and it was too much that I have
what I had,
what I have,
and yet still take what's not mine.
But he i s al l I want, al l I ever wanted, r eal l y.
I think I
always knew, deep down, that at some point I was going to have to pay for all of my sins, it was just too bad that
two good men would be destroyed because of it,
because of me
. Not to mention the countless others who will be
hurt by the shrapnel.
I know what the fallout from this situation will bring and the sad thing is that I can't find it in me to regret any of
it. Sure, if I had it to do over again I would probably take a different route; maybe not have allowed the path to
turn into a slippery slope that I,
we,
unintentionally tumbled down, but I would never undo those moments or take
back the words.
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away by his rough touches, and then he is inside of me and I am lost in the ecstasy and the pure bliss that only he
brings me. But, what goes up must come down and as I plummet back to earth the world as I know it cracks and
splinters.
Suddenly it's as if I am viewing everything from behind the lens of a camera and everything happens one frame,
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Time to pay the piper
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Unconsciousness claims me; I slip
away and find myself set adrift on a sea of memories as I try desperately to figure out where it all went so very
wrong.
~* ~
Chapter 1- The Beginning is the End is the Beginning
~* ~
Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate
I s it bright where you are?
Have the people changed?
Does it make you happy you're so strange?
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain
--The Beginning is the End is the Beginning, The Smashing Pumpkins
~* ~
Our camaraderie began in high school and continued on through college with all of us attending The University of
Washington. We were all the same age and started at the U at the same time, but as a Running Start student
Edward had completed his first two years of college while finishing his last two years of high school allowing him
to start as a junior while the rest of us started as freshman. When the rest of us finally graduated with our various
four year degrees last May, Edward was just completing his second year of medical school
It was now September and this would be the first time in months that the old gang had gotten together in what was
supposed to be its entirety since graduation, but we were unexpectedly missing one. *
coughedwar dcough*
The
leaves were beginning to change color, but we were trying to ignore it for just a few more days so that we could
bask in the here and now.
We knew that any day now the air would turn crisp signaling the end of our last summer of freedom before
starting our lives as official grown-ups and we wanted to enjoy the dog days summer. Most of us would be
starting the careers they had gone to school for, while a couple of us would be postponing that step off for a little
longer in favor of graduate or medical school.
But either way, for all of us, it was the end of an era filled with winter, spring and summer breaks, parentally
provided housing anGGLVSRVDEOHURPDQFH«
at l east for some of us.
Instead we would have air conditioning and
heating seasons, mortgages, committed relationships and families to start. If high school graduation is supposed to
be your 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' moment, which, even aside from the obvious, is still total
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You ar e wear i ng
the big boy pants now.
We had decided to take a long weekend- Thursday through Sunday- to meet up for one last 'Hurrah!' at the place
where most of our former debaucheries had taken place, where
we
became
us
± at The Cullen's house. We had all
promised to be to there by noon today but, for some reason, Edward hadn't shown up. That meant it was just Alice
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hometown of Forks, WA.
As the day wore on, and I slowly gave up hope that Edward would show so that I wasn't alone on Singles Island
surrounded by Coupledom Sea, I felt two things- guilt for depriving his family and our friends of his presence and
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For the feelings of inadequacy that hanging out with my coupled up best mates caused in me; feelings that
Edward usually helped stave off, and not for the dirty reasons that that seems to imply...
Wel l , not ent i r el y.
For not knowing where we stood after the words that were said and the things that had taken place during our last
run in. Although him not showing up today was confirming my suspicions that things weren't good. Which made
me feel lonelier than ever.
For allowing things to get so fucked up between the two of us. Which made me feel sorrier for myself.
I was on a downward spiral of pity that was spiraling faster and faster as the day wore on. I became melancholic,
contemplative but it was hidden inside, just a dull ache in the pit of my stomach that was easy to ignore, mostly.
My depression would have to wait to settle over me. This was a weekend for celebrating what we had
accomplished so far and to toast our futures and the happiness we were sure it would bring.
As the stars began to appear in the warm September sky we found ourselves soaking in the hot tub in the backyard
laughing while reminiscing about our shared pasts and discussing the future, especially the parts of the future that
concerned wedding plans. Not mine, of course.
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what, I am a l i ttl e
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okay, i ts not
laziness but this thing I have with coining couples' names
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from now as she wanted a cherry blossomy spring wedding, and even had the bridal party all lined up. Edward
would be Emmett's Best Man and Jazz his only groomsmen, while I would be Rose's Maid of Honor with Alice
her only bridesmaid.
Alice seemed more excited about the wedding than Rosalie which, knowing Alice wasn't surprising. Still, I
secretly suspected that Alice's excitement was stemming from more than just her normal conviviality combined
with her delight over her brother marrying one of her closest friends. Something more like her excitement about
using EmmElie's wedding as a practice run for hers, not that Alice would treat it like a practice run, but as good as
Alice is there are bound to be things that won't be just right and Alice would want to know the pitfalls before
planning her big day.
Despite how insincere that sounds, the girl doesn't have a disingenuous bone in her body; she would do it with the
purest of intentions. The trial run would just be the icing on the cake. Alice is kind of gung-ho, Nazi,
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doing, it's worth doing all the way, balls to wall', her words, not mine.
Being the little fashion ninja that she is and knowing that Rose loved the movie
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Rose had
already been informed of what would happen, and where her body would be buried, if she even thought of putting
us in fugly dresses. From the look on her face, I think Rose may have taken her seriously; I am pretty sure Al was
serious about the threat, too.
I was grateful to Alice for it, though. You could trust anything Alice picked out or planned to be flawlessly
perfect, and even though Rose was a great friend, everyone has their flaws. Even though she was one of the most
self confidence shrinking beauties I had ever seen, her need to be the center of attention sometimes led her to
picking out clothes for others that were less than flattering. Vanity, that's Roses' favorite sin and her only flaw, at
least, the only one I could ever find.
I have to admit that I expected Rose to ask Alice, not me, to be the Maid of Honor because they had been friends
longer than Rose and I and also because Jasper was Rose's brother. Plus, a lot of work and responsibilities come
with the title and Alice seemed like the natural choice for more than just the obvious reasons. I would be busy
with my last quarter of grad school by the time the wedding rolled around and I didn't know how much time I
would to focus on wedding details.
I told them all of this but was assured that it wouldn't be an issue and then blown off with another, 'Don't be
absurd, Bella!' I rolled my eyes. I have heard that so often from my friends over the years that it doesn't even
mean anything anymore. It does shut me up though; I know that it's useless to argue. And that time was no
different. Rose and Alice promptly informed me Alice would happily handle anything I did not have time for.
I only had to show up for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, various fittings and arrive
dressed, powdered, coiffed and on time on the big day. In reality, I knew that only the latter two were actual
requirements, not that I would miss the others.
Eventually, even Alice and Rosalie grew tired with the wedding topic so the topic shifted to our high school days.
The alcohol was flowing freely at this point and I think everyone else was starting to feel the loss of Edward as
much as I was because, as they talked of our 'Glory Days', his name began coming up more frequently.
I shook my head, focused again on my friends, who were still talking and laughing of memories past
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and then rejoined the conversation just as Alice mentioned something about The Lord of the Flies.
Wai t !
What , Al i ce r ead somet hi ng b
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"Speaking of the Devil,
where is Edward at this weekend?"
"He had to work at the hospital tonight so he won't be joining us until tomorrow sometime. Now that he is about
to start his third year of medical school they have been giving him more hours. He wasn't supposed to be working
today, but he said that he didn't feel like he could say no to it," Alice answered. "I thought you guys hung out.
Didn't he tell you?"
"Nope." I popped the 'p' because drinking and being around Alice turns me into an annoying 'p' popper. "And we
haven't really spoken since graduation. I am sure he has been busy."
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